short handed (you)

Some nights,
find myself wondering who is to waste,
how to ever know who I am, when little there is to go back to,
Some nights, especially nights, something beyond words is missing,
I am missing,
But it is the time when seen it clearly,
thou won’t know,
What is I am made of, less like out of who,
try to ignore, as hush hush,
not suppose to say a word,
shameful things to discuss,
although hating silence as much as loving to hear it roar,
hate silent pain.

hate denial, like someone I love where to die,
That’s the anger suffocating me,
resenting my ways, and it’s people, those who make me feel that very same way, over
and over again,
silent all these years, tori says,
silent and alone I must add,
so please don’t ever ask me to keep it inside, I asked God when I was little,
but I was late on my request,
today it is like a fusil,
I go off so easily,
I resent people, who make me feel that way,
So please God I asked you to never hush me down,
For I have been, so long it hurts my soul,
I beg of you to let me forgive beyond doubt,
I beg of you for a resting night,
If so much, then just that one,
One night without the numbness down to even my gut,
A rest of one of my many terrible nights,
If I could speak alone all day, and let it all out I would,
Yet words will never be enough, nor tears or pills,
I fear so many things,
Pain, I panic,
Burning my skin and emotions,
There’s nothing for me to give, as it is,
As it is, I could never be adequate,
So I beg of you to cleanse all of this, like those many moments I can’t remember,
Take it all,
I’m having a bad night, again,
Talk to me like every night,
Talk me to sleep, for there’s no other chance for me.

For that I’ll be tagged, judged and accused all at once,
all the things they shall not hear, know, understand,
when being in places I don’t feel,
self-destructive,

if I keep still and silent, it’d be true,
as I have nothing else to say, differences cannot be made,
I’ll forever be what everyone else wanted me,
With their prayers to all Saints,
their own,
Please Father, let her be something else,
And hope is forever compromise,
While burning in rage, unable to comprehend,
Having so much to ask and scream at, for,
Words chasing away,
frantically wanting to leave my psyche, depart from heart
Where are my safety nets, and all those baby blankets?
It was meant to be a set.

And were where you when nightmares,
while falls?
When I chose to give art and literature away?
compromise my dreams for a sure meal.
I know,
Standing by,
I saw you watching from the top, from behind, under,
I saw you once,
Straight to the eyes,
you were so cold,
indifferent.

And were where you while being there?
Watching world collide from all sides,
with awards, rewards,
with all my loneliness,
ever so hunting fears and insecurities,
perfecting the art of hiding flaws,
because hope is a compromise.

And I keep wondering what could change if not,
Would I like the rest of me,
All those bits I know no one else has,
Would I like those even tricky sides?

As my standards are for the best, to self.

Hope as compromise,
A different kind, hope for life,
She’d know I love her beyond description,
I was hope,
Had a compromise,
and if I wanted to be liked by you,
maybe if I were different,
a good little girl,
you’d like me to,
and for once speak to those you conceived.

For all things I’ll leave unspoken,
I can do this,
-I can’t speak-,
also forgot how to pray, so when speaking out loud to God,
I’m still not touching this,
coward as those I despise.

Pieces, falling all over empty spaces,
They echo, each time,
As I haven’t been in these dark places in a while,
Forgot how to manage nights like this one.

Fearing your kind,
Red lights fill my quiet places, it angers me so,
Breaking me in two,
the one loved by all, the one unknown by all,
who could ever understand, believe for once, I break so easily,
Is a hand reaching inside my chest, pulling a side of my heart out?
It’s a secret talent: to cry for hours in a row,
Silently,
Can only detest indifference,
Red lights blind my judgment.

And in all honesty,
With the only certainty I have hold through all these years,
I don’t hate you,
I could never do so,
For hate is the most sensible, raw, honest and disrupt form of love there is.

I could never feel such deep love for you,
Nor anyone else,
As I loathe indifference, and what has done to me: I fear rejection, like I fear clowns,
Panic,
So it keeps hanging like spider webs inside my head, done,
It’ll take energy and sleep away,
Wondering what might be wrong with me;
tried it out not so long,
What a mistake, putting my hands up while bullets flying across,
Why would I even try to fight my all time fear now?
That’s a debate, fight, war, not to be won,
Child, please don’t play with fire,
A reminder of my vulnerability: like a 40 year old man with all his achievements “I can’t handle rejection”,
And the jump is done, and falling seemed to hurt,
But not as much as I thought,
I can scratch a knee at my age, allowed to make a few mistakes, here and there,
I remembered there and then how weak my soul is and how sore It’d be,
Why I’ve kept myself inside: safe, painless, quiet, warm, filled with care and tenderness.

As I am like the cowards I despise,
But I love myself in ways no one will ever understand, as much as I am ashamed of my fears and hurt, for I’ll never be cold, indifferent, or too proud to realize good things are the only things, and love is all.
I love myself, and my standards, for I’ll never be you,
Will never damage or wrong someone else,
With all virtues and flaws,
I don’t happen that often, and you have set the example for all things I won’t ever become.

Father almost 25 years have passed, that is just me,
and I don’t know the sound of your voice,
Nor how it feels to have one around,
I don’t know the first thing about you, if you ever loved me at all,
How a hug from you feels like,
If I’d be protected, comforted at all,
If tears would dry faster if I your chest were to be a pillow for my crying face,
Something simple, like holding your hand,
If they look or feel immense compared to mine,
If you smell like Christmas morning or the fall,
Jealous, overbearing, overprotective,
Much too liberal, maybe insane,
I am certain now that I will truly never know,
I am too damaged now, I am too bitterer by you and all the things you did,
All the things you didn’t,
Every space in between,
You ache.

And as I will continue to be hurt in silence,
I am letting all my questions go,
And when the time comes for my own children to ask me about their grandfather, I hope I have remembered how to pray to God,
So that I can tell them I didn’t even knew your name,
I’ll never show them the hurt, someone who is meant to love me above all, inflicted upon me, grandma and their uncles, for you are the exception to the rule, and knowing you stole 50% of my faith in people,
I’ll never rob them like you did to us.

Father, you will never understand the depth of your mistake,
You’ll never know you missed the best thing you never had,
I’ll always be weird, bruised and hurt by you, indeed,
But you’ll continue to be you, and that’s punishment enough,
I see now, I despise your kind, but you I only pity.

so stop reading my words,
they are not as half as good as the sound of my voice, and if we cross paths, don’t turn your sight towards me,
keep walking like you have always done.

Knowing when rejected, I am just way too good to be true,
being done a favor,
I thank you and everyone else, past, present, future, even other life’s,
who have rejected me too.

We are not suppose to try so hard,
Know when I’m done and gone,
I don’t even remorse.

I can only wish you good great things,
None having to do a thing with me,
And I surely hope you can sleep well at night.

I hate indifference,
As much as hating my own caring,
As I understand where is coming from.

these standards of not wanting your kind around,
it’s an aberration,
believing the opposite, should be as caring as myself,
these standards keep killing me,

spoken out loud, so now, I can go back to familiar places

and my..
Again two tears start a race down my face,
Getting lost in my hair,
I wonder where they would go,
So two more shall go after those,
I hope they find each other.

a.b.v.n.