Saturday, June 17, 2006

I've been watching lights everyday of my life, are they green, red or yellow?..they're bright for sure, they just look the same, and sadness is gone, I have accepted that I cannot distinguish the colors, and im not to be trusted..not for love, my love.

Getting older never seemed enough for us to mature as thinking individuals, never thought that ignorance has nothing to do with the immaturity of not-developed and insufficient bodies, nothing's missing, what would i have given for someone to explain that to me ..years ago?, now we're here, we don't talk anymore, complete strangers, some even discomforted, what was it then??..it doesn't grow older when it has to do with understanding..sitting and while seeing friends laughing and they're new compared to that old-alien-friend, its a breeze, different kind, and u've survived, not mad in the mornings like many years back, like a kid again, such a wonderful feeling..and find urself wondering how come someone u once thought was your everything lacked in kindness, how u missed it urself and then words stopped coming out.

Is there anything missing, really? we dehumanized ourselfs everyday. Now we wake up late, no missing calls, non to be made, do whatever we're sopoused to, maybe work..a job, then we get a call that makes us smile, and its a friend, u'll talk forever..from movies to dreams, maybe can't help to wonder when is this one going to end, ..wouldn't be the 1st or last time, right? then we'll go out have a few drinks-too many, and no place suits us, then dancing, ..late dinner, home,..again. There's no chance to forget how to smile..how to laugh, it hasn't happend for so long now, there's no jealousy between friends, i feel so old sometimes. No childish behavior and i feel like Deborah Kerr, and it is black and white now days, good thing considering im daltonic, can't read the signs, can't see true color of things. But then again we run into each other and yet we don't talk, should we?.It does make me sad to feel so indifferent about someone i truly thought i cared about, but im older today, how could that happend? i find myself worried, terrify to become u, ... are we doomed to become that awfully terrible person? that type of indifferent, cold and superficial kind?..

But im not mad in the mornings...no more, im getting older.

Ahdee

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