Tuesday, February 02, 2010

Death has been hanging around lately,
Thoughts and dreams,
In thoughts and in dreams,I clarify.

Last night, this morning,
Dreamt about people no longer in my life. They have either died or are just no longer part of my existence, a loss still.

As I felt concern for said dreams, got it together and prevented myself to write an email to someone I can't afford to care about, for that person..in my dreams was not himself, was not kind nor humanae,as if something had died inside his soul. In the end I decided not to reach out, avoiding to give or send the wrong message.

Woke up feeling terribly bad, sad, upset, ...in a mellow kind of way, as if I had a heavy weight on my stomach.

Mom was having her morning walk, 8:30 a.m. yet couldn't get out of bed,..she comes home saying "I have forgotten something important" her face changed as she said "I know it is important and big and deep down I know it's something not good, but I can't remember", I say to her "well, if it is bad then why would you like to remember mom?", to which she replayed "it is still something I am bound to remember, a responsability".

Leave to work, then she calls and says "I remembered, late,the 5th anniversary of ur uncle's death, was on February 13th"

Again, death's dead death..

Feel for mom and her sorry, being the youngest, watching most of her siblings die has to be a horrible beat down to the gut.

Get angry, at the world and the universe, he died, just like one of my aunts, due medical negligence, I get angry, very..

I hear people talk about their sadness and desperation when they don't get the required medical attention for their loved ones, u see the impotence in their faces or hear it in their voices and a massive cloud covers the sun in my eyes.

I know that feeling close and personal, I've seen and tasted the indifference of people who should take care of others, they don't.

Anger, constantly feel it, its not right to let it get you, understood, note taken.

Sadness, is human, its not right nor okay, it just IS.

Forgiveness, is hard, is alien material, is adequate yet difficult.

In between, truly don't know where I stand as a person, don't cope, can't cope with any of it.

Apologize, is honest, I do, I am.


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